Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Yes, Seema Goswami, you are right. I do so hope you were not, but as is the case with my rather uninteresting life, that would be wishful thinking!

For those who don't know and don't understand this rant, congratulations. You will, officially, live to be a hundred. In a world of disease, despair, conflicting hatred and the like.
Seema Goswami, columnist for Brunch, in her piece talked about how the only emotion we feel most is guilt. Could that be any truer?
Think about it. If I don't switch off that tube-light, I feel this nagging guilt, tugging at me, not letting me face myself. If I don't share that tiny little piece of chocolate, I feel like a glutton. Even if I were sleeping, I have to magically reply to texts and those very intrusive calls. No, God forbid that I not. If I don't ask the auto driver to drop me off somewhere convenient for 'him', I feel guilty, no matter how late I may be! If I ask my parent(s) for a favour, I feel terribly guilty. And if I don't get up to make that cup of tea, you guessed it, the guilt vanquishes me.
And that's really not all. Not even a fraction.
Honestly, when is it going to end? How long before I crumble before this stupid, very unnecessary emotion takes over my life and completely judges what I may or may not do?
I think it has already started to. Just the other day, I was smiling about how well guilt works as a driving force. I get up groggy, in the midst of the night, to turn a tap off. I try to finish my work before my deadlines. And I also try to squeeze in reading, in all that drama.
But you know what? That's not how I want it! I want my driving force to be, well, me. Not an emotion. Not something that is defined as " a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realises or believes—accurately or not—that they have violated a moral standard, and bear sole responsibility for that violation". And especially not when it is treated as a severe lifestyle "disorder".

So, can I have my life back?


Anonymous said...

Hm hm.. that's quiet interessting but honestly i have a hard time visualizing it... I'm wondering what others have to say....

Stuti said...

@Anon: Hah! Scrutinise your own life, trust me, you will agree with Seema, if not me. :)